Punca kemalangan di bongkar....

Salam,

Sejak dari insident tersalah parking masuk bendang aritu , aku tak berhenti2 menganalisa punca2 ianya terjadi dari sudut fizikal dan metafizikal.
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Fizikal

1. Mana mungkin aku eksiden. Aku pro. Korner tu sayur. Itu koner sempoi2 110k/h. Aku takkan tekan breknya. Aku akan masuk dari seblah kiri trus makan kanan dan bila sampai apex, aku akan tekan minyak abes.

2. Tapi bila aku tekan minyak tu yg terjadinya spin tu. Bila aku balas stering ke kiri, sepatutnya kreta tu drift cun2nya keluar dari korner tu. Tapi no drifting happens. Siol. Sebab FF ke? kene tanya pro-drifter nih.

3. Bila keluar2 je dari kreta tu, aku trus check tayar. Tayar baru 3-4 bulan tukar. Aku lupa plak check minyak itam atas jalan. Taktik lama geng2 tunda.

4. Tapi main suspect aku ialah ade air dok mengalir or bertakung atas jalan tu sebab tengah hujan. Dah lah jalan tu condong skit. So aku ter-aquaplane.



5. Bila aquaplane ni, ni tak boleh buat apa2 lah. Tayar takde traction, jadi aku pulas stering sampai tercabut pon tak boleh buat apa2. Kalau aku ade engine motorboat ke kat blakang Kelisa aku, layar kapal ke kat bumbung tu, baru boleh avoid the accident

6. I wonder kalau kereta aku ada traction control dan ABS boleh selamat tak?
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Metafizikal

1.Koner tu mmg selalu makan orang. I wonder kalau tu lubuk jin ke gitu. Adakah aku telah menganggu anak dia tidur sebab taim aku ambik selekoh tu aku mmg tengah nyanyi sekuat hati lagu "Taman Astokana" daripada CD "Koleksi Lagu Jiwang Disc B".

Part "namamu ku ukir di pohon di tepi taman..." tu yang aku nak nyaris ukir pokok kat tepi bendang tu. Tapi mmg tangkap leleh bro. Nyaris nak keluar air mata aku ni....uhuk uhuk.
Tapi comey la awok berbaju pink. Muko bekeng, tapi izinkan daku mengeletek hatimu....

2. Tapi, rilek lah jin. Wa mana tau. Cuba kalau kau buat sidang akhbar ke takpon buat fesbuk pages britau semua manusia kan senang.

3. Satu lagi aku dan bumi Perlis ni memang mempunyai sejarah lampau. Confrontation hangat antara aku dengan vice-chancellor UniMap dan Istana Perlis genap setahun yang lepas. Hahaha. Insiden Yam Seng!!!

4. Jadi mungkin aku kene daulat nih. Itu yang tersungkur menyembah bendang Perlis Darul Sunnah tu. Padan muka aku. Haha. Wey! Aku tetap tidak bersalah dalam hal tersebut hokay!

5. Tak pon, adakah ini mungkin satu assasination attempt terhadap aku? Muahahha.
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Moral of the story

1. Orang2 Perlis tak reti buat jalan raya.
2. Jin Perlis garang2. Ni mesti sebab bengkek dengan Harun Din ni.
3. Kereta Kelisa tak boleh drift.
4. Kene snorkeling di tujuh kuala sungai untuk buang daulat.
5. Lain kali balik Perlis kene hire bodyguard.
6. Lain kali kene pasal lagu nasyid baru boleh mati di dalam iman.
7. Must buy Lamboghini Aventador besok untuk keselamatan anak2 dan bini muda. Bini tua naik Kelisa sudep ..........

Hai bini muda...

Sekian, mekasey, wassalam

Part 2: ...My Papa Is The Most Very Ter-Awesomest !!!!!

Salam
Hello. My name is Muhammad. This is the continue stori of me and my most ter-awesomest papa from the first part which u can read if u klick here...
" A" kat map tu is for awesomest.......

1. When I woke up, my most ter-awesomest Papa pulled me out of the car and pushed me up the very-very steep hill, like five stories high into the main road. Then he unloaded all the important stuff.

2. Lucky my papa got super-awesome big shinny biceps. Normal papa like your papa with normal bicep kempis, will most likely need to call a lot of bomba people to rescue me from the car.

3. Papa was still not wearing any shirt at that time. I totally understood that wearing any shirt at that moment was not that important because my papa always said, “With big biceps, comes big responsibility ……”.

4. Then one kind Chinese man stops his car and helps us out. He said that “ Saya nampak awak tadi drive laju dan potong saya kan. Lepas tu saya nampak awak pusing tiga kali maa. Saya ingat awak sudah setel tadi la.”

5. Ciss! That Chinese man must be feeling very embarrassed because my ter-awesomest papa tapau him before la tu. Accidents happen what. Even Michael Schumacher can spin fourty million times and land on paddy field also …...….. if they make paddy field in Sepang circuit.

6. My hand then started to hurt. But my awesome papa said gives him a second to take some pictures for his most ter-awesomest blog, “Swimming Boss” he said. This accident is definitely super-duper ter-awesomest material for his next blogpost.
Masuk kepala dulu on the left side then terlompat and spin clock-wise and hentam buntut on the left. Markah gymnastik 9/10.

Fuyoo...belah tanah...

Cuba try tengok angle of entry into the bendang tu. Gile babi steep kan? Macam tak lojik. Macam datang dari arah besi penghalang crash tu sedangkan papa awesome kot. Mana langar besi tu. Kesimpulan. Papa mesti terlanggar makhluk halus ni.... a.k.a alien with cloaking capability. Tengok kot cermin blakang. The corner as we enter it. Ni kami otw balik ikut arah songsang. Nampak sempoi je kan. Siallah alien tu...

7. Then the Chinese man drove us to Klinik Kesihatan Kaki Bukit. But that guy drove very slow la. No wonder dia sayur kene tapau. He should have let my papa drove. Doesn’t he know that this is an emergency? I think the nurses in that Klinik Kesihatan Kaki Bukit really-really need urgent attention from my dad.

8. When we reached there we were so in a hurry that my papa accidently brought me into the wrong section. The Klinik Ibu Dan Anak. Dem. Lucky the nurse told us. If not, my vagina would have been mistakenly examined that day.

9. When the medical attendant finally came and took a look at me, he told me, lucky I have awesome bones like my papa so I got no broken bones everywhere. What he had forgot to told me is that lucky that I got the awesome looks of my papa that will broke girls heart everywhere even though he is 38 yo alredii.
Papa cakap kalau nurse cun macam Rozita Che Wan, dia mungkin demand Muhammad kene hospitalised. Sekali datang abang attendant. Potong btol laa....

10. Then we waited for my uncle to pick us up. While we were waiting, my dad pointed out that actually Gua Kelam is just like 50 steps away from that Klinik. He asked me if I still want to go. But I am still in pain.
Ada muka orang tgh sakit tak? Satu2nya magsa kemalangan yg tidak boleh di selamatkan ialah selipar Angry Birds Muhammad. Still dalam kreta tapi ntah kat mana sebab ilang masa spin-spin tu.

11. So instead we went home and straight away after praying Zohor dan Asar, my papa brought me to the shops to buy a pain-killer medication. KFC Chiky Meal. I feel no pain whatsoever after that. My ter-awesomest papa should have been an awesome doctor!!!

12. The next day my papa brought my mama, my sister, my grandma, my cousin, my uncles, my auntie, everybody.......... to visit the graves. I don’t know whyyy...........

Sekian. Mekasey. Wassalam.

My Papa Is The Most Very Ter-Awesomest !!!!!

Salam,

1. Hello. My Name is Muhammad. I don’t know what is my papa real name, but he always ask me to call him “abang” in public.

2. My papa always said that he is awesome. But I know that he is lying. Naughty! Naughty! He is not just plain awesome. He is the most very ter-awesomest papa in the whole galaxy Bima Sakti.
3. Some people. Oppps sorry. Every one actually, said that my papa is poyo. But for me he is fuyoooo….

4. So this is a story that happens to my papa and me when we went back to Malaysia for holiday recently.
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Fish

1. One day, when I was in Perlis, I went to Gua Kelam with everyone. My sister, my mum, my grandma, my uncle, my auntie, my cousins and my neighbor. Everyone except .....…… my papa.

2. My papa decides that Gua Kelam is lame. So instead he when to snorkel at Pulau Payar, Langkawi …… all by himself!!!! I guess only awesome people can abandon his family and have fun all by himself without any gulit whatsoever. Papa is ter-awesomest!

3. So when I was in Gua Kelam, I had so much fun and I caught one little fish.

4. The next day, I am still very excited and wanted to go to Gua Kelam again and catch more fish. So I ask my “awesome –but-little-bit-darkened-after-the-snorkel-trip” papa, if he can go with me one more time to Gua Kelam to catch more fish.


5. What do you think the most very ter-awesomest papa will said? Of course he said “Hell Yeah!!” ..……Even though he has planned to drive all the way to Kota Bharu from Kangar that night.
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Bukit Ayer

1. Normal papa like you readers have, is not awesome. Normal papa like your papa, will most likely in my situation will go to Gua Kelam, catch fish, picnic and go home after 2 hours.

2. But awesomest papa like mine, said Gua Kelam alone is not enuff. He got soo much energy. So he planned to go to Bukit Air Waterfall first. Then after 2 hours, he will drive to Gua Kelam and do the same thing again and again.

3. My papa always said that he is “strong” in his head and in between his leg. But I never quite understood what he meant in the last part. “In between his leg” is just udara kan? Does he mean that he can fart very-very strongly? Maybe someday, when I myself become the most very-terawesomest papa like my papa, I will understand.

4. So we went to Bukit Air. Sadly after 2 hours, we didn’t caught any fish. My papa didn’t look very sad though. He seems very happy walking around shirtless, swimming and climbing the rocks …… while being watched by giggling teenage girls that gasped at his six-packs.
5. So then we make our way to Gua Kelam. Because it was not that far, my papa decided that we should not change into dry shirt. We just get into the car just like that. Meaning, I wore my swimming shirt and pants and my dad only wearing three quarter pants …….without any shirt on. Ter-awesomest!

6. It had started to rain. So my papa drove very slowy at 100k/h. We had too rush because its already 2pm. And also twice we have to stop because there was two kenduri kahwin spots that have many-many people dressing very nicely crossing the road while staring at papa topless chest in broad daylight. They were lucky. Today they have witness ..awsomenest.

7. Then I falled asleep. When I woke up, my right hand feels funny and papa had already parked the car. But this is not Gua Kelam!!!!

TBC
sekian, mekasey, wassalam

Kelantan. Juara Piala Malaysia 2009 insyaAllah.

Salam,
post ke 23.

1. Biso gilo Kelate main bola lonni. Mapuh nate perlih duo male lepah. Pade la duo-kusong buak beka gi Kangar.

2. Tuan Guru pong gi skali, dok berduo come nga Nuar Muso kak VIP. Dok gocoh pong puaok2 ni bilo juppo. Kito sek2 budok bowoh ni la hok tokleh silak pande, kiro gocoh slaluh. Tok Guru siak biu pitih ke Nuar Muso buak beli minyok anging ko player lagik.

usha...1.00. Tok Guru bui pitih. Tenggok Nuar Muso dok sebeloh Tok Guru tuh. Tak dok hal. Bilo hal ginni, kito keno sepakak.

3. Ado ghama royak perlih main male tuh kemah-keming mollek. Mujo dio dok score. Pade muko mu perlih.

4. Tapi gak ke, bilo aku kelih bideo game male tuh, aku besero pemaing Perlih pong tok say mene' ari tu. Pemaing perlih tau, kalu dio mene male tuh, tubik staduing mapoh slalu.

5. Dale stadiung ado 25 ribo penyokong Kelate hok Gilo. Di luar staduing pulok, ado pase TiBi besa barapo ribu ore pulok dok changgok depe tuh. Semuo baso gedebe gilo, tok charo gappo doh.

6. Untuk sesapa yg tak paham, tenggok lah utube ni. WARNING>>>>Jgn terperanjat! Ini uncensored nyer video yg tak masuk TV. Kami penyokong Kelantan memang brutal tahap gaban.

tengok kamereman kene BOMM minit 3.53...muahahhahahhaha

7. Cuba korang cakap kat aku, kalaulah korang pemain bolasepak Perlis, kau berani tak score gol dan kalahkan Kelantan kat Stadium Sultan Muhammad ke IV, KB tuh. Agak2 FRU yg ade kat setiap penjuru stadium tu boleh tolong engkau dak?

8. Giler babi banyak mercun. Sesetangah mercun tu macam BOM. Macam main bola kat Afganistan atau Iraq mase kene bomb ngan USA dulu je. Dah lah stadium berasap2 amacam main mase FRU tembak gas pemedih mata. Giler brutal "set2 kawe". Rindunya aku nak join sekaki.

9. Lepas ni, ari sabtu lawan secend leg kat Stadium Kangar. Emmmm.....bini aku org perlis, so aku dah pegi tengok bola 2 kali kot kat stadium tu. Mase game tuh, bile penyokong2 Perlis marah, korang tau diaorang buat ape?

10. Diaorang buat cam lastik gitu, pastu pakat lastik straw ke padang. Yes...straw minuman tu la. Jauh gak pegi siol. Terpesona aku masa tengok first time.

11. Jadi kepada pemain Kelantan, berjaga2lah bila bermain di Kangar nanti. Jgn sampai mati di bawah timbunan ratusan STRAW nanti yerk........

Muahahhaahhahahh...STRAWWWWWWWW.......giler kesian aku kat penyokong Perlis.
Langsung tak macho.

12. Ayuh penyokong Kelantan semua!! Jom bawak BOM kita ke Perlis plak.

Good lak boys

sekian, teriymakasey, wassalam.