Hari yang Tak Leh Blah....

Salam,
...kisah2 brutal di hari yg brutal. Klau cuak, jgn baca!

1. CERMIN

Pukul doblas tgh malam tadi aku baru abis meet n greet banker dari Msia. Pasang kabel la ni!
Lewat dah ni. Kansel plan aku nak apdet blog latest entry "Kaedah2 mengstalking awek for Valentine: The Introduction". Lain ari la.

Sekali aku masuk2 keta, ..Ehh mane pegi side mirror aku??

Abis Ongkos aku!!
Memang aku parking tepi jalan besar taim tuh. Mungkin ade keta yg sapu side mirror aku. tapi, bila aku check pintu keta etc...elok je. takde calar balar pon.

Jadi selaku seorang pegawai penyiasat CSI...ehh silap.. "CiS!!" Adeled, aku telah membuat satu kesimpulan yg muktamad. Bahawasanya jenayah ini telah di lakukan oleh Kelab UMNO Luar Negara Adelaide Chapter!!
Ini sebenarnya adalah satu sabotaj yg di laksanakan oleh PEKIDA atau "Tiga Line" ke atas keta aku. Motif mereka, aku pasti adalah kerana aku adalah seorang yg hensem.....ehh tak elok nipu....."sanggat hensem".

Tiada sebab musabab lain yg munasabah atau munaserawak yang aku boleh fikirkan....ermmmmm........mmg tiada!! (kelik cinni)

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2. PANAS

Semalam panas siol. 37C. Aku berpeluh dari start training bola ptg tadi, pegi meeting, sampai balik rumah (gila kelengtong!).
Rumah aku mmg la ada aircond. Tapi ducted aircond. Meaning kalau aku ON, satu rumah akan sejuk. Tapi aku dok sengsorang je kat rumah sebab aku tengah "membujang" sekarang ni. Anak bini balik Msia 3 bulan (Yeeehaaaa!!!!).
So kalau aku bukak aircond, bazir duit je. Kipas plak dah rosak. Bukak tingkap pon angin hangat yg masuk.

So, terpaksalah, demi menjimatkan pulus dan mengurangkan greenhouse effect, maka aku pon tido bogel!
Apa salahnya kan?
Bini aku takde. So tak de lah nanti terbangun tengah2 malam sebab kene rogol ngan bini aku. I tak rela U!! I kene keje besok U tau dak!!
Anak pon takde. So zero chan untuk anak aku ambush aku dlm bilik dan tanya aku, "Papa! How come u have 3 legs?"...Ermmm....." Thats not my leg. That is my appendix...."

I am a sick man! A sick sick man!!
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3. INSOMNIA

Pon tak leh tido gak. Puas aku tergolek kiri kanan.
Nak kata panas, tak trasa sanggat pon. Angin sepoi2 bahasa, mendinginkan tubuhku....
Aku dok pikir, mungkin sebab aku baru lantak maggi lepas balik meeting tadi kot. Makanan belum hadam.
Mungkin sebab aku letih sangat kot sebab lepas keje trus main bola. Pernah belaku kat aku seblum ni.

Mungkin sebab aku dahagakan seks kot. Taraf kesangapan aku dah agak memuncak skang nih sebenarnya. Bil tertunggak!
Tapi panas2 gini, nak buat seks pon tak lalu. Tak caya pegi tanya pak arab. Diaorang mmg bukan kaki seks sebab negara diaorang panas.(yeker??). Tak caya sudah !!!

Ermmm.... I am a sick man! A sick sick man!!
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4. THE NIGHT STALKER

Sedang tergolek2 atas katil, tetiba aku teringat satu "Janda Hot Nak Mampos".
Dia adalah kawan aku dan bini aku. Aku dah sound bini aku suh kim salam dan cakap kat dia yg aku bersedia utk menerimanya anytime, anywhere (siam la ni). Tak caya pegi tanya bini aku.
Ermm tapikan, aku rasa bini aku tak pernah sampaikan "niat murni" aku tuh, walaupun diaorang agak selalu jumpa.
So apa kata kalau aku cakap sendiri.

Dan kedah yg terbaik ialah........fesbukkkk!!
Terus aku lompat dari katil dan pegi ngadap komputer.
Aku pon buat rapid intensive search dgn multiple windows, goggle, fesbuk, dengan bermacam2 variety of ejaan nama "Janda Hot Nak Mampos" tersebut.
Hampeh! Di Google keluar link2 yg dah lama aku skodeng. Tak best. Di fesbuk, langsung takde. "Janda Hot Nak Mampos" tu telah keep low profile. Flying under the radar. Ermmm.......bertambah-tambah lah hot property dia nih!

Sekali aku usha, jam dah pukul 330am cakap lu!
Halamak! Ape nak jadi ngan aku ni?
Tengah malam2 buta, dok stalking "Janda Hot Nak Mampos". Nasib baik ada niat yg teramat kukuh, iaitu nak buat bini utk di projek puas2 secara halal.
Tapi still.....trasa besalah gak.
Terus aku patah balik ke katil......................

I am a sick man! A sick sick man!!
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5. KANTOI SUBUH

Sekali terjaga, dah pukul 850am. Demm..
Semayang belum, mandi belum. Dah lah aku ada ayam delivery kat kedai pkl 930am.
Ni mungkin sebab aku tido bogel, so malaikat malu nak kejut aku subuh tadi!
Nasib baik tak mimpi "best" malam tadi. Jadi tak payah mandi wajib, so kejap je aku mandi.

I am a sick man! A sick sick man!
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6. SAUDAGAR COLI

Tengah aku terlompat2 sarungkan spende ngan seluar depan komputer, aku terprasan ada notification kat fesbuk Inbox aku. Aikk!! Awek celah mane plak nih?

Sekali bila aku click, rupanya application aku untuk mengimport bra dari UK kene reject. Adus sedih aku. Baru cadang nak branching sikit bisnes aku nih.
Syarikat pembuat bra tersebut, OppaDallaBalla Pty.Ltd, kata diaorang nak market dalam ebay. Tak nak direct selling nih. Notti la kompeni ni.

Abis musnah harapan aku utk jadi jutawan bra. Kalau jual bra ni, dah gerenti jumpa ramai awek/janda2 hot! Heaven!
Tapi tu la pasal! Niat awal2 dah salah! Padan muka haku!

I am a sick man! A sick sick man!
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7. ZIP IT INDON

Tengah aku dok terkocoh2 masak kat kdai, tetibe ada satu kastemer Indon, selambe je trus masuk ke staff area dan menuju kearah stor blakang.
Tangan dia dah siap2 dok bukak cangkuk talipinggang dan tarik zip turun bawah. Ni mesti kes nak carik tandas nih!
Aku trus sound, "Sorry mate, no toilet here".
"No toilet??" Dia trus bepaling kat aku dan tarik balik zip dia. Kalau lah ada awek keje pagi tadi, dah jadi kes porno dah ni.

Bila aku usha muka brader indon tu, aku tenggok muka dia jadi pelik sikit. Muka sedih sebab tak leh kencing, bercampur ngan muka berusaha keras utuk sedut balik kecing yg dah half-way turun zakar dia tuh.
Kamon Pak! Anda Bisa melaksanakan nya!

I am a sick man! A sick sick man!
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I know, at this moment, ada satu persoalan yang bermain2 di kapla hotak korang sekarang ni.......
Soalan yg sensasi.......nak tanya ke tak nak tanya???

Tapi hari dah malam...
Besok kene keje.

TBC iA........................

sekian, mekasey, wassalam.

PART TWO: The adventure of JURBO and DZAKAR : More Pain? Hell Yeah !!!

Salam,

...... continuing from PART ONE

.....suddenly, YoMaiNiggah shouted.....
"Yo Dowg! Come n check this maderfaker out!"
"We r so close to Mt Pussy let me tell yoall",
"Its all written on that thang..... Ermm where did it go??"...
......YoMaiNiggah was confused

At this time Jurbo shouted back at him in Bangledeshi
"Oppa Dallia Balla.....Oppa Dallia Balla....",
which means,
"You mean the sign behind you? And its Mt Lofty, not Mt Pussy !! You idiot!!"

On closer inspection of the sign, they noticed the spoon and fork sign on that, which look, to the famished cyclers, to be as gorgeous as Megan Fox ass, erkk .......charming personality!!

So, although Mt Lofty means more climbing to do, hence more pain and more waiting for Dzakar to catch-up, BUT the body need some food man. The tank was empty. So they decided to go to hell with the pain and proceed courageously to tackle Mt Lofty.

If u look at the name closely, not only its a mountain, its also lofty or aloft. If translated into Malay, Mt Lofty means" Gunung tinggi gila-babi taraf Gaban kalau kau naik pakai kaki bersepai gigi gerham, kalau naik pakai beskal tercirit 7 hari 6 malam, kau gile ke? Lain la kalau kau hebat dan ensem mcam pakcik Jurbo tuh!"

No sweats.......a few minutes later.....
Helemek!! Easy peasy! They smacked that bitch!
Congratz people. U made me so proud!!

Jurbo at the bottom pic there was trying to convey a message tru hand sign.
Whatdeheck?
Does it means "3 wives in 5 years", or "3 aweks each in 5 continents" or "35 is his pants size"?

Ohh! I get it. When he eats using his right hand, he uses 3 fingers and when he washes his ass after shitting , he uses all 5 digits on his left hand.
Brilliant!

Remember our war-cry, "Pain is temporary, Quitting is forever"? Well hungry pon forever. So they had their lunch at a cafe on top of Mt Lofty.
3 people, 70 bucks! Whadafak man!
Why Swinging Bowl only charged 5.50 for two dishes? Maybe its time for Swinging Bowl to increase the price again. I'll tell the owner next time I see his gorgeous face.

After lunch, the boys prayed Zohr. (ermm...Jurbo is not "Boys" anymore though. He is Pakcik already what!).
Then began the fun part of their adventure........the descent!!

Jurbo knew, from his vast experience in bed.....opss cycling, that the descent was the dangerous part. The speed and the fatigue might caused a crash.
So he took-it easy while descending. Plenty of stops to take some pictures of the eagle-on-the hill scenery, with a faint hope of somebody, someone will crash and bleed or die, so he can write in his blog about it.

(Picture courtesy of HornyPhysio...gua cilok lu nyer)
Crash you Dzakar, crashhh!! Dem U!
(Jurbo was thinking of kicking Dzakar down the hill actually. Like Jackass, only this time its called KickAss)
As it turned out, the descent was over in roughly 40 mins.
Ahh...so not fair! Hours of pain, but minutes of joy. The enjoyment was prematurely ejaculated.

So as shown on the above pic, taken at the bottom of the climb, Eagle is 6 km. But Mt Lofty which is at Crafters, is 10km. So altogether, 20km plus the 2 times 2km to get back to the city, so the journey was like 24km in total roughly.
But u have to factor-in the climb. So the actual distance traveled was way more than that!

Since Jurbo last effort during his uni days during the Second World War, he never heard of any Malay boys that climbed Mt Lofty on bike for the the last 13 years.

So that day, they made history.
Well done Boys!
We made It!!

Aftermath.
On top, Jurbo was checking his "tanned" level with the "Universal Standard of Blackness" (a.k.a USB), which was YoMaiNiggah's skin.
On the bottom, HornyPhysio feet. He wore only selipar on the expedition. Maybe he wore his selipar to go berak in the morning and forgot to change to his shoes.
Apart from that, everybody was fine....... except for their asses. No kidding! Jurbos ass is still sore, 2 days later. The same with others.
As we reached the top of Eagle (above pic), everybody has started to complain about their sore asses.

Why? Do u really wanna know why? As they cycled, all the sweats trickled down our body, down our asses crack and soaked the underwear. So the water, makes their buntut skin moist, hence soften. So, because there was a continuous friction between their bum and the seat, eventually their bum is melecet la!!

The shape of the seats (pic), doesn't help to. Trasa like di sula!!! Thats why Jurbo named his bike seat, "Anwar".....oppss!!
RMC, MCKK, SDAR, STAR etc boys....please stop salivating!!..Its disturbing guys!

To overcome this problem is easy. The bum's skin should never be allowed to be wet. So ideally, u should wore material that can easily evaporate the sweats.
Or to cut cost, u can just discard the underwear, or clothe altogether and ride the bike naked. Wearing kain pelikat or miniskirts (minus the underwear of course) is also sufficient.

Please don't forget to invite me.......youz mini-skirt wearing cyclist!

So, for overview, this is all the landmarks.
This journey was very tough, but plenty of aweks and elderly doing the climb to.
But aweks mat salleh lah kan.

You can also bring your Malaysian Haweks to this climb , ...........if u planned to break-up with her 10 minutes into the climb and leaving her skin blackened and asses sodomized by the seats.
Its your call!

So, thank u all u people that make this a memorable trip.

-Lets start with the guy that is bending-over in the doggie position, HornyPhysio/Lance AccidentStrong/IhsanHuhu .....Thanks for not crashing or breaking any bones during the trip. Thanks also for waitin' for our unfit asses to catch-up with u.

-Next is YoMaiNiggah/Lance PoyoStrong/Ringgo...(blue, right)...Thanks for yr idea, yr enthusiasm and yr hard work to get Jurbos bike in a working order. You are and will always be a slave or a cheap working labor. Its in yr blood.......ehh silap.... skin man! Don't fight it!

-Thanks also to Dzakar/Lance NotStrongAtAll/Naze..(middle).......for making the rest of us look good by leaving yr sorry ass far far far behind. The fact that u made it to the summit despite using a heavy bike (fatty ass doesn't help as well), is a feat that earned our utmost respect!!!

-As for Jurbo/Lance HensemStrong/Mangkuk....in yellow.........U memang still power lah bro!! May Allah blessed U and granted U four gorgeous and muslimah wives in the future to curb your unabated unashamedly humongous nafsu serakah!

Kamon everybodii .....AMINNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!

-the N-
Sekian, mekasey, wassalam.

p/s:
1.Plenty of "sengal" pictures was taken that was excluded from this report. I will post it in fesbuk soon.......just to show-off and made u jeles!!
2. Wahhh!! First time writing in English wa cakap lu! May dad will be so proud of me!!

The adventure of JURBO and DZAKAR : Le Tour de Spain......ermm PainS actually..!!! PART ONE

Salam,

Welcome to an adventure.

Hello! This is Super Jurbo. U can call him just JURBO....:-))

And this is his fren. His name is DZAKAR.....ehh Dakar ke? Elleh...dzakar ke, Dakar ke, same je. Asalkan bukan Zakar sudeh !!!.
So together with 2 more frens, Repco White callsign "YoMaiNiggah" and Repco Red callsign "HornyPhysio", they embarked on an adventure last Saturday 6/2/1010.

Triggered by a suggestion from YoMaiNiggah, they meticulously discussed the plan. Ideas were thrown out to n fro between them. After doing some feasibility and environmental impact studies, ermm ...about 2mins20sec into the dicussion, they decided to go to the "eagle-on-the hill"

Jurbo been there before on a bike (beskal), twice, during his uni days during the Vietnam Wars.
Back then, it was known as a romen-romen spot, because of the spectacular view.
To tell u the truth, the view is not that spectacular pon. Perhaps, the view becomes more spectacular only if u have a naked girl with mountainous breast besides u in the car. This, Jurbo can only speculate because with only a bicylce as his mode of transportation then, its hard for him to hook-up with a gal on that. (Despite his good looks!! Shocking isn't it ??)

So, just as fate took them, the bike team was essembled that consist of the past and current Swinging Bowl employees. From left to right, YoMaiNiggah, HornyPhysio and the infamous Dzakar in pink. Jurbo wasn't here because I don't know why lah?
So the adventure began.
.......ermm 10 minutes and 1.4 km later. Shit! This is hard. They were still within the city boundary, the real climb has not began yet, already they have casualty, Dzakar was down. Luckily YoMaiNiggah was on hand.
From this point on, they all knew, this was not going to be about fitness or personal strength or how much is yr bike worth.

This is about PAIN and how u handle your PAIN.
This is 10% physical, 90% mental.
Luckily, they were all MENTALly disturbed.

So with the war cry.....inspired by Lance Armstrong.....
"PAIN IS TEMPORARY. QUITTING IS FOREVER"
....they marched on.

Come-on mountain!
Please give us shit. I sell it back to you as fertilizers!

So they cycled with all their guts. Ciloks, ciloking and ciloked was rampant!
Every time somebody was down, they shouted
"Pain is temporary, Quitting is Forever"

As for Jurbo, everytime he tapau-ed YoMaiNiggah (as above), Jurbo will shout to YoMaiNiggah in Nepalese
"Oppa Dallia Ballar.......Oppa Dallia Ballar".
Which means in Hispanic, "Hawt Siyal, Lu Bodo".
.....Funni la these people!!

Nevertheless, they were only human. This time (left) its YoMaiNiggah turn to be down, while Dzakar tried to conceal YoMaiNiggah's zakar, which unlike his master, was Up n About.
While Jurbo (right) was down on his stomach with his jubor sticking up. Luckily, HornyPhysio was a sekolah agama alumni. So his prayer has strong cable to "The High Above" power.

After a quick tazkirah by HornyPhysio to Jurbo, that his gift of 4 hairy balls was meant to be used for his 4 lucky wives, in a second, Jurbo was on his feet again. Scary la this fella !!. ........Nasib baik ensem!
Soon after that, the team was up and running again, and ready to face-off all the challenges ahead.
One by one, the hurdles tumbled. Devils elbow, checked. Eagle on the Hill "entrance" checked.
Like I said, they were 100 mental. Who else in this world that met the devil and when the devil shows his elbow, that person show the devil his balls. Who..whoooooooo???

After these checkpoints, the journey turned nasty. The climb was like soo steep like 90 degrees I think. Jurbor, the part-time model/photographer/vulgar blogger/finalist "Pencarian Kacak Bergaya Vigor/Pancaindera 2010", was so busy shitting in his pants that he cannot take any picture of the climb. Until.........

Hulaweiii!!
Houston! The eagle has landed.
And HornyPhysio and YoMaiNiggah was so happi !!
So HornyPhysio brought-out the celebratory "frozen expired last year" yogurt, Cheers!
An hour later, while reminiscing their success, suddenly one minah-salleh stopped and asked the boys..
" Hi Guys! Did u guys missing one person? There's somebody back there, walking-up with his bike!"

Oh Fakk! They suddenly realized that Dzakar wasn't there yet!
So they made a monumentous decision to......erm wait for him there je la.
Dzakar need to battle his own demon himself. By demon, I mean his flabby ass!
And on that day, Dzakar WON! Yeaaa!!!!!
Slowly but surely, Dzakar made his way to catch up with the rest of the team.
.....ermm...he's there somewhere. Save the pic and magnify la. Like what we normaly did after we save pic of aweks la. Still want me to tell u!!

The second he arrived there, suddenly......

To be Continued!!......PART TWO IS HERE

Salam, Mekasey, Wassalam.

p/s: kisah jiwang valentime will be continued after the Jurbo n Dzakar adventure finish. Sabr yer mat2 jiwang sekelian.

Adakah Balak Boleh di Tebang?

Salam,

1. Pembalakan adalah salah satu sumber utama ekonomi negara. Bagi negeri2 seperti Sabah ataupun Pahang contohnya, sektor pembalakan merupakan penyumbang yg besar kepada khazanah negeri tersebut.

2. Secara mudahnya, jawapan kepada persoalan,
"Adakah balak boleh di tebang?"
ialah
"tebang!!....jangan tak tebang!!"
Akan tetapi, beberapa kriteria perlulah di penuhi sebelum pembalakan tersebut boleh di laksanakan.

3. Pertama-tamanya, ingin aku tekankan, lakukan lah pembalakan yg sah di sisi undang2 negara. Pembalakan haram merupakan satu perbuatan yg keji di sisi undang2 dan paling penting di sisi Allah.

4. Oleh itu, sebelum pembalakan di mulakan, penebang balak mestilah memastikan "legal satus" balak tersebut. Ini bermaksud sekiranya balak tersebut berada di kawasan yg telah di gazettekan oleh kerajaan untuk pembalakan, maka pembalakan yg sah boleh di laksanakan.

kesan pembalakan haram di brazil

5. Akan tetapi, sekiranya balak tersebut berada di kawasan yang di lindungi seperti hutan simpan, kawasan tadahan hujan atau di dalam taman negara, maka balak tersebut HARAM di sentuh. So pi main jauh2. Pi carik kawasan lain la!

6. Untuk mengenalpasti balak yg manakah yg boleh di tebang, caranya mudah sahaja. Pegi la tanya sendiri tuan tanah tersebut (privately own ataupun kerajaan negeri own) tentang status sebenar balak yang terpacak di situ. Kalau malu, kau tanyelah orang2 sebelah tuan tanah tersebut atau di pejabat tanah.

7. Selepas settle bab undang2. Amatlah kritikal untuk syarikat pembalakan tersebut untuk mengenalpasti "hati" tuan tanah tersebut. Adakah mereka merelakan ataupun tak sabar2 mahukan pembalakan berlaku. Ataupun, adakah mereka inginkan masa untuk membuat keputusan? Adakah mereka ingin mempertimbangkan baik buruk balak lama vs anak balak baru yg akan di tanam di kawasan tersebut? Penting di sini, untuk aku tekankan. Sekiranya tuan tanah tidak redha , pembalakan hendaklah di batalkan untuk kesejahteraan semua pihak.

8. Selepas telah terbukti balak tersebut boleh di tebang dengan izin pemiliknya, syarikat pembalakan tersebut pula haruslah menilai sendiri the feasibility of the process. Adakah pembalakan itu akan mendatangkan musibah kpd diri sendiri, alam sekitar atau orang2 awam? Seperti risiko kemalangan di hempap pokok. Ataupun mampukan mereka finance the logging process. Pembalakan juga boleh merosakkan ekologi dan membunuh haiwan2 liar yang bergantung kepadanya. Risiko banjir kilat juga meningkat selepas pembalakan. Kualiti air di kawasan tadahan hujan juga akan merundum.

9. Langkah seterusnya pula, penebang balak juga mestilah menilai kekuatan balak tesebut vs kemampuan diri sendiri. Berapa lamakah balak tersebut bertahta di tanah itu? Berapa pemeluk-kah besar batang balak tersebut? Setinggi manakah balak tersebut berdiri? Sedalam manakan akar tunjang balak tersebut tertanam di tanah yang di rebut-rebutkan tersebut? Sekiranya syarikat pembalakan berpendapat bahwa mereka berkebolehan untuk menebang balak tersebut, maka teruskanlah.

10. Di dalam Logging Code of Practice itu juga, pembalak hendaklah diwajibkan untuk berupaya untuk menanam semula anak2 pokok balak yg akan menjadi kayu balak yg lagi berharga/sempurna dari balak yg asal. Barulah pembalakan itu berbaloi.

11. Akhirnya, selepas proses pembalakan tersebut telah selesai, janganlah di persia2kan balak yg telah tumbang tersebut. Kerana itu adalah satu penghinaan kpd mereka. Janganlah balak tersebut kau biarkan reput di tanah ataupun kau gunakan untuk membina kandang babi ataupun selaku dinding jamban. Jadikan lah dari balak yg terkorban tadi satu ukiran indah masterpiece. Tak pun gunakanlah balak tersebut utuk membina sebuah masjid. Semoga balak tersebut go in peace.
12. Kini anda telah menanam anak pokok balak anda di kawasan yang di idam2kan. Akan tetapi ingatlah! Selaku sebuah anak pokok, akar tunjangmu belum ampuh untuk menerima dugaan. Jadi, sekarang its your turn to be cuak!!!

13. Jadi pesananku kepada ke semua pokok2 balak di hutan belantara......

Pertamanya:. Cepat2 la tukar satus anda drpd kawasan konsesi/gazet pambalakan yg halal di "balaki", kepada status hutan simpan atau lagi best status Taman Negara yg dilindungi.
Keduanya: Andaikata anda belum belum mampu, bersabarlah dan terus berusaha.
Kerana akhirnya anda akan sampai kesitu .......inshyaAllah

....awek sampai dua tu siyall!!

sekian, mekasey, wassalam.

-ini adalh sebahagian drp post untuk siri My Valentine Suck Ass yg cuba menjawap Soalan2 tentang cinta yang ingin korang tanya, tapi segan la plak!"